


innuendos from hell

by pandabrite



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Drabble, F/M, LMAO, M/M, One Shot, blupjeans, request, taakitz, tumblr drabble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 11:27:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13053084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandabrite/pseuds/pandabrite
Summary: the twins are drunk. they try some... unconventional flirting techniques with their boyfriends and may or may not get kicked out of a fancy bar.





	innuendos from hell

**Author's Note:**

> this was done as a tumblr request for user bibarrybluejeans. i am very thankful for the opportunity to bring this to life lmao. it's based on a tumblr post of bad innuendos for bustin' a nut.

[based on this post](http://sisterlich.tumblr.com/post/168528713068/bad-things-to-say-when-you-nut)

—

Taako, Kravitz, Lup and Barry were seated in one of the most opulent bars in all of Neverwinter.  


The lights were dim, candles lit each table in an ethereal glow. Occupants were seated in plush armchairs around marble tables, sipping shimmering martinis and wine from crystal goblets. On a stage nearby, a set of gnome bards dressed in silk suits played a cello and a flute, a quiet melody that mingled effortlessly with the mumbles of bar patrons and the clink of ice in glasses.

The four had been in the middle of idle chit-chat about this, that, and the other when without any prompting, Lup and Taako met gazes with one another.

And in that glance, the briefest of communication happened between them. They were like that, those twins, having a nonverbal conversation that needed no additional explanation. 

_This was getting kinda boring. They were hella drunk. They wanted to have some fun._

Without any prompting, Taako got to his feet. This roused the attention of his date, Kravitz, who had been in the middle of a somewhat terse discussion on the nuances of ‘studying’ necromancy and ‘practicing’ necromancy. 

“Gotta powder your nose?” He asked, _almost_ entirely joking.

Taako adjusted the slinky dress hanging over his shoulders, and without a word sidled closer and slipped right into Kravitz’s lap.

“Nah, just gettin’ a better seat, _y’feel_?”

Before Kravitz had a chance to react properly, Taako had rest his cheek on his shoulder, warm, alcohol scented breath dancing dangerously upon his throat. A single hand captured one of his own, and it was guided to the soft skin of Taako’s now dangerously exposed thigh.

“ _Hoo- boy–_ ” Kravitz cleared his throat, giving a furtive glance to the rest of the room, “Listen, babe, it’s much appreciated but… maybe now isn’t the best time for this.”

Taako was entirely unphased. He gave his date a wanton stare, before leaning up a bit closer to his ear. Slender fingers danced along his neck and shoulder as he pulled himself as near as he could, before mumbling drunkenly into his ear, “yeah, but I can sure set the stage for later… a little textbook foreshadowing to the next chapter, if you will, because I’ve got some _ideas_.”

Kravitz wasn’t one to argue, though he did look a little flushed in the cheeks, a little hot under the collar… 

Taako began to mumble into his ear a little scenario, a tale of being swept over the threshold, clothes being peeled off before they even got the lights turned on… a little concession that they probably wouldn’t make it up the stairs before Taako got what he wanted. And at the conclusion, amidst a session of unbridled passion, Taako cleared his throat–

“… and then it’ll be like _whoopsie doo, here comes the goo_ –”

Kravitz’s hand immediately slapped over Taako’s face. 

“Wow,” he deadpanned, “wow, that’s the fastest the wind’s gone from these sails in a long time. You– _you’ve really outdone yourself._ ” He pushed his face as far away from himself as he could possibly manage, “like untying a goddamn balloon, man, what’s wrong with you?”

Taako was so loose that Kravitz’s shove only caused him to languidly lean back a bit, “C’mon, you don’t wanna _slime time_ with me~?”

“Absolutely a hard pass from me,” but despite himself, he was smiling, “you– you’re a real dick. How are you gonna get a guy going like that and then just clothesline me? ‘Here comes the goo?’ _Are you kidding me_?”

Across the way, Lup was leaned over the edge of her seat. A much less graceful approach, but Barry was amiable to it. He immediately reached out to grasp her by the elbows to keep her from stumbling forward too far, “Woah, tiger, where ya goin’?”

“Listen, Barry–” Lup licked her lips and leaned even closer, Barry was getting a little white-knuckled, she was practically hanging off her chair now, “Hey, you know what I’m gonna need from you when we get home, big guy? I- hang on, I’m really gonna need to _have some of that brogurt._ ”

Barry… just looked at her, a brow cocked, “Uh, okay– Lup–”

“ _No no no no no no,_ really,” she leaned even further, and Barry grunted and adjusted his hands to brace her beneath her armpits instead, “I’m gonna need you to _splurt that ‘gurt,_ Barry–”

He considered this for a second, and Lup looked a little, well, _disheartened_ at his lack of immediate reaction… but, finally, he responded.

“Okay, so you and Taako are super drunk right now, but let me level with you here… when we get home, there’ll be a _shot of goo, from me to you_.” A sly smile snuck onto Barry’s face, and he winked.

“ _Heeeeeeeeeell yeah_ ,” Lup slurred, winking right in unison with him. 

Kravitz was still shoving Taako’s face away from himself, but even as he did so, Taako lifted a fist across the table toward his sister.

Lup didn’t miss a beat, and she leaned away from Barry, who scrambled to keep a grip on her, and rammed her fist right into Taako’s outstretched hand.

But… she hit a little too hard, and Taako lost his balance and flopped right out of Kravitz’s lap and spilled onto the floor.

“Shit, _fuck,_ ” he grunted, “couldn’ta caught me, huh, mister reaper?”

“Listen, you sorta earned that one, I think,” Kravitz was chuckling beneath his breath, though he did reach down to scoop Taako up and set him right again.

However, as he did so, a bar waiter approached the table, eyeing the state of the occupants… one very half drunk elf woman who was halfway out her seat, slurring all over her jean wearing companion… and one opulently dressed elf splayed drunkenly on the floor. The waiter went to speak, but was interrupted–

“ _Yeah_ , we, uh… we’re gettin’ out of here,” Barry spoke, adjusting his glasses a bit, “just, give us a chance to round them up.”

“Stuffy ass place to get shitfaced,” Lup grumbled, flopping back into her seat, “next time I pick the setting.”

Kravitz was already on his feet, a sack of gold coins flopped on the table as payment for their drinks, “C’mon, love, if you want, um… if you want this _goo_ , we better get moving.”

“Oh, shit,” Taako seemed surprised, “I was _for sure_ slime time was cancelled.”

“We’ll see,” Kravitz rolled his eyes, but an arm was already slunk around Taako’s waist.

Lup, who had half insisted, half had to be carried out of the bar bridal style by Barry, leaned her head on his chest, “what about us, huh babe? You gonna give me some of that _‘gurt_ when we get home?”

Barry snorted, hefting her closer to his chest, “Look, if your drunk ass is conscious when we get there, I’ll give you whatever you want.” 

Lup rolled her head to look at Taako, who was eyeing her from being slumped on Kravitz’s side.

**And they both shared a look that translated quite easily into, _‘wow, can’t believe that fuckin’ worked_.’**  



End file.
